Right, we’ve had enough of this nonsense. We’re calling it. Leicester winning the Premier League would be a disaster, and you know it.
1. Those clappers.
No team whose fans have clappers should win anything.
2. Everywhere you go you’ll be greeted by about 100 Leicester fans saying “chat shit get banged” in terrifying unison.
3. Kit’s too blue.
That’s all there is to it. Way too blue. It is the essence of blue. It is overwhelmingly blue.
4. It would kill betting.
If the bookies get burned by Leicester winning the title, nothing will ever be 5,000-1 again. Gone will be the days you could put a couple of quid on some impossible event and dream of making your fortune.
5. Every footballing achievement would be diminished from now on.
Brighton finish eighth in their first Premier League season? Who cares? Leicester won the league. Northern Ireland beat Germany at Euro 2016? Who cares? Leicester won the league.
6. They sacked Nigel Pearson, therefore denying us his ostrich-based wisdom.
7. They’d stop Tottenham winning it.
And Tottenham winning it would be great – if only because Piers Morgan might actually explode.
8. Everything you think you know about football will be wrong.
Try out a few of these phrases, see how easily they sit with you. “Marc Albrighton, Premier League winner.” “Wes Morgan, Premier League winner.”
9. It will show exactly how bad the Premier League is.
You can say whatever you like about excitement and unpredictability, but the fact is the level of quality at the moment – considering how much money is swimming about – is absurdly low. The likes of Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester City should all be thoroughly ashamed of themselves for allowing this to happen.
10. Serge from Kasabian will be on Football Focus, from now until the end of time, and we’ll all have to pretend we care what he thinks about football.
As if we don’t suffer enough with Noel Gallagher.
11. Because we really don’t want to see Gary Lineker in his pants.